Are You Always Overcompensating?
Trust me, I have been there. It's not your fault, but you need to stop.
“Imagine a tree desperately growing its branches wider and taller to catch the sunlight it feels it’s missing, even though its roots are already deep and strong. Overcompensation is like that tree, stretching itself beyond its limits to seek validation and approval, while overlooking the deep-seated self-worth it already possesses.”
At first, I thought about calling this post "To the Women Who Overcompensate," but then I realized that this unhealthy behavior isn't just limited to women—it's something that affects both men and women, and it’s time to talk about it. Many of us find ourselves caught in a cycle of overcompensation—an endless quest for validation and success that often leaves us feeling empty and exhausted.
It’s become such a normal aspect of our daily lives that we hardly realize how it influences what we do. Whether we're tiptoeing around a failing relationship, pushing ourselves to be flawless at work, putting our own needs aside for family, or constantly trying to please others, this tendency to mask our insecurities with extra effort turns into a habit. It’s like a soft hum that just fades into the background of our daily activities.
CHAPTER ONE: Overcompensating in Relationships
Women? Oh, I love being a woman.
But,
In the softly lit spaces of their hearts, women often get trapped in a cycle of endless giving, trying to fill a gap that just keeps widening. Their love is limitless, but it turns into a complicated routine of trying too hard, where every act of care feels like a lost battle against their partner's indifference. They wander through this dark maze with a sense of tired acceptance, letting their own desires slip away into the shadows of broken promises. In this quiet struggle, the image they see isn’t one of power, but the painful void of ignoring their own needs, as they tirelessly seek to validate a love that always feels just out of reach.
Women really do love in their own special way. Her love knows no bounds when she falls in love. It’s like they dive in headfirst with no limits. Gotta love those hormones, right? Yet boys often whine about how emotional women can be. Ironically, it’s that nurturing and compassionate nature that pulls men in, but there are vultures who prey on this emotional warmth that women so modestly possess.
The seeds of overcompensation are planted much earlier, from the childhood days. It all starts when you are deprived of a basic emotional bond and support from your guardians.
You should never have to perform for basic love; it's your birthright. You need not to do acrobats or cartwheel or ace examinations or have the most beautiful face or voice or bake that perfect pie to get the attention and appreciation from your parents; it should be simply GIVEN.
~ The Brazen by Susie Myerson
While most parents do a decent job of providing for their children and keeping them safe, they often underestimate the sheer importance of sharing a healthy emotional connection with them. In most households, this situation creates a major gap between the children and their parents. Parents frequently feel like their kids don’t trust them, but they often fail to provide the warmth and safety that would encourage kids to share their deeper emotions. When kids do open up, they might not receive the compassion they need, leaving them feeling ignored and invisible. The intense, unspoken hurt drives them to seek their parents' attention by either excelling in school or by going out of their way for even the littlest things. They attach their self-worth to external things and seek validation from them. They are constantly putting up a performance.
Such women and men, when entering into relationships, seek validation from their partners, when in fact they could be a diamond themselves. Validation is dangerous. Women often overcompensate by taking on an excessive emotional burden, constantly trying to nurture and please their partners at the expense of their own needs. It’s like they’re always the ones leading a vibrant salsa dance, but when they stop putting in the effort, it turns into a monotonous tap dance, leaving them feeling lonely and with a heart that aches just like their sore feet.
Women often have this tendency to offer everything for free, and it really boosts their ego. It feels good to say, “Look at all I’ve done for you!” Their ego puffs up when they choose to endure hardships in a relationship, even when things are falling apart. It’s all about overcompensating. It feeds your insecurities and tricks you into thinking that putting in extra effort will lead to rewards. But let’s be real: if the test is out of 100, you can’t score more than that, no matter how much you sacrifice. Overdoing it won’t get you anywhere; it just drains your femininity and authenticity. You can’t expect one person to be everything for you. A score above 100 is just a fantasy fueled by insecurity. When a woman is always chasing attention, it messes with her femininity and flips the natural order. This dynamic puts her in a masculine role and the guy in a feminine one, which just doesn’t work if she’s the only one holding things together.
Overcompensation is unattractive; it makes you appear desperate and insecure.
~ The Brazen by Susie Myerson
Ask yourself these questions if you feel you are always overcompensating in your relationships.
Why am I always initiating texts or calls every hour with my partner?
Why am I the only one who is making plans to meet up or arranging dates all the time?
Why do I always cancel my plans and "me time" to be available to my partner?
Why do I have to repeatedly over-explain myself about things that bother me?
Am I constantly putting my partner's needs and desires above my own, even when it causes me distress?
Am I compromising my values, interests, or needs to avoid conflict or to maintain harmony in the relationship?
Do I feel that I need to go above and beyond to earn my partner's approval or affection?
Do I often feel drained or unappreciated despite my efforts to please or support my partner?
Am I only finding satisfaction in the relationship through excessive effort or sacrifice rather than mutual respect and balance?
CHAPTER TWO: Overcompensating in Familial Relations
Men? Oh men are their best selves as fathers; fatherhood suits them. (Unlike their role as romantic partners, it's quite questionable.)
When men transition into fatherhood, their personal needs often fade away, overshadowed by a strong sense of responsibility. They tend to sacrifice their own dreams and desires, working hard to support their families, while their own happiness gets pushed aside. This unspoken weight drives them to strive for the role of the perfect provider and protector, often at the cost of their emotional and physical health. In trying to meet these expectations, they might completely lose track of who they are, becoming just a faint presence in the lives they’re supposed to uplift.
Children develop values in their homes and look up to their parents as role models. It is a sad reality that fathers were deprived of a good emotional bond with their own parents as children. Nobody taught them how to process and express their emotions or how to receive a few words of appreciation or hugs without questioning themselves or feeling awkward. All they know is how to be a strong parent and defend their family. Sure, they are great at managing the finances, but when it comes to showing kids how to share their thoughts and feelings, they often struggle. But let’s face it, it’s not their fault; they didn’t have that kind of support growing up either.
As a result, their love towards children often takes the form of smothering, obsessive, and overprotective nature. They try to bridge the emotional distance they felt with their own parents, but even with the best intentions, it doesn’t always turn out well. When the kid isn’t home at the regular time, they start freaking out and feel the need to pick them up or drop them off all the time. Even if the kids are adults and totally capable, they still want to take charge of everything. It’s like they can’t resist micromanaging. They continually put on this veneer of "being a bigger person" by always helping others, yet knowing full well that those people would never return the favor in similar situations.
Fathers have this complex of being there for “everyone, everywhere, every time,” and while they think it sends a good message to the children, it instead eats their boundaries of self-love. Fatherly affection can sometimes come off as insecure, too cautious, and even suffocating. Kids who grow up in this kind of setting tend to repeat those patterns in their relationships, becoming overly protective of their partner’s happiness and putting in way more work than their partner does.
I also firmly believe that a mother's role is the most influential in a family. Her energy resonates throughout the house, her values are ingrained in the lives of the children, and her thoughts and decisions serve as a prism through which the children observe the dynamics of marriage and relationships. A loving, self-secure mother will raise children who are self-sufficient in their own right, whereas overcompensating mothers are so accustomed to the routine that they forget; her children learn from her. She has low self-esteem and frequently forgets that marriage requires teamwork.
Mothers love unconditionally; they continue to provide for everyone to the point where they grow bitter about it. What seemed like a lovely gesture has now taken the ugly form of a draining responsibility. Overcompensating mothers lack the confidence and self-belief, and they pass down these compromising values to their children. They become resentful when they realize that they never got the same affection, respect, and admiration they poured into their husbands. When they have an awakening and recognize their worth, it is often too late to undo the damage. Now, when she demands love, respect, and generosity from the partner after 25 years of marriage, she suddenly appears to be a bitch.
If you’re bending over backward for others from day one, people see that as a sign that you’re lacking something, and it makes them want to distance themselves.
~ The Brazen by Susie Myerson
Ask yourself these questions if you feel you are always overcompensating in your family ( as a father or mother).
Am I struggling to set healthy boundaries or say no, resulting in a constant feeling of being overwhelmed?
What kind of values am I teaching my children?
What kind of love am I introducing to my children? Is it healthy and abundant?
Am I turning my children into more dependent individuals by always jumping in to help them with issues they could easily tackle themselves?
Why do I always have to give up my last slice of pizza to my children when it's my favorite? We can just order extra next time!
If I'm always there for everyone else, what kind of lesson am I giving my kids about setting healthy boundaries?
If I can't express my feelings openly, am I really making a good environment for myself and my family?
CHAPTER THREE: Overcompensating at Work
Work? Well, I don’t like to work. Is that a problem?
In the never-ending quest for career success, both men and women often go too far, sacrificing their personal lives and well-being in a bid to prove their value. Their daily lives become a tough cycle of long hours and unmet expectations, where every success feels like just a brief win in an ongoing struggle. This relentless ambition, while it seems commendable, actually hides a deep loneliness and exhaustion that wears them down. Behind the shiny accomplishments is a quiet sadness, with lives given up for the sake of ambition, leaving them feeling empty and disconnected from the little joys they once loved.
Ask yourself these questions if you feel you are always overcompensating at work.
Am I consistently working beyond my normal hours or taking on additional tasks to the detriment of my work-life balance?
Do I often feel that I need to go above and beyond to prove my value or gain recognition, even when my contributions are already substantial?
Am I sacrificing my personal time, health, or relationships in order to meet work demands or achieve higher performance?
Do I find myself constantly apologizing or feeling responsible for issues or outcomes that are beyond my control?
Am I taking on extra responsibilities or projects to make up for perceived shortcomings or to cover for gaps left by others?
Do I feel that my self-worth is tied to the amount of work I do or the praise I receive from colleagues and supervisors?
Am I frequently neglecting my own needs or professional development to accommodate the demands or expectations of others?
Is my motivation driven more by fear of failure or criticism rather than genuine interest and passion for my work?
Do I experience frequent burnout or exhaustion despite my efforts to excel and overcompensate?
Am I finding it difficult to set boundaries or say no, leading to a constant state of stress or feeling overwhelmed?
Disdain mediocrity; Contempt overcompensation
~ The Brazen by Susie Myerson
CHAPTER FOUR: Avoiding Overcompensation
To avoid overcompensation in relationships, focus on nurturing genuine, balanced interactions rather than constantly seeking validation through excessive effort. Prioritize clear communication and mutual respect, ensuring that both partners contribute equally and address their needs without falling into the trap of self-sacrifice.
As a parent, it's important to remember that you don't have to meet every single need to be valuable. Focus on creating a loving and supportive atmosphere where both affection and discipline are present. A balanced parent leads by example and helps kids build resilience through a healthy mix of engagement, not by sacrificing everything.
To steer clear of overcompensating at work, concentrate on performing your core responsibilities with excellence rather than taking on extra tasks to prove your value. Balance your workload by setting realistic goals and ensuring that your efforts align with your true strengths, while protecting time for personal well-being and relaxation.
Susie! A lot of valuable information and thought provoking material here. I really appreciate that you examined both sides of the gender aisle. Thanks. -R
I've learned what overcompensation means on an intricate level and I'm going to be cautious about investing so much in relationships of any form to the instant that it leaves me feeling lonely and exhausted.